![]() This book can help you reduce the conflict and regain your sanity by learning what to write and what not to write. While it's simple and practical, it's not natural for most of us because we are hooked by the emotional intensity. When parents use this approach, not only do they feel good about their end of the written or verbal conversation, but it tends to influence the other parent to communicate more productively as well. Complete with instructions in the four-step BIFF method, and numerous practical examples, readers will learn the intricacies of their new parenting environment. This third book in the BIFF(TM) Conflict Communication Series is especially devoted to parents dealing with issues during, and after, separation and divorce. How can you regain a sense of control and peace for your own sake and for the kids?įor more than a decade, the BIFF method of responding to hostile and misinforming emails, texts, and conversations has grown in use by thousands of people dealing with a difficult co-parent and with those who may have a high conflict personality, and it helps with those who don't. ![]() In divorce and co-parenting, not only do you need to deal with your own emotions, you may be faced with a daily barrage of hostile calls, texts, email, and social media blasts. Use BIFF to Communicate with Your Ex's Blaming, Accusing and Taunting Texts and Emails Using BIFF will give you hope that change is possible." A.C., parent Indeed, the stepfamily has captured the attention of counselors, researchers, and practitioners due in part to the relational challenges associated with adjusting to post-divorce and remarried family life. I couldn't help my children because I couldn't help myself and until I learned new tools, felt hopeless. At the turn of the century, an estimated 11.8 million children lived in stepfamilies, of which 4.9 million lived with at least one stepparent. My life did not change until I began to read and understand and start using tools like BIFF. The first step is to admit that you are outmatched in every way except for the ability to learn new skills related to the high conflict personality. “Firm: Either be clear that you are ending the conversation or provide choices with a deadline to reply”(Roy’s comment – providing specific choices is a great idea and just be sure you are okay with any of them being chosen! If there aren’t really “choices” to frame in your response, then you can still be direct in closing the conversation.Coparenting is hard in any circumstance and when doing it with someone that has a high conflict personality, can seem impossible. Or, you just want this to be the “end” of the communication.) Remember the idea is that you want the other person to actually read, think about and act constructively on your response. “Friendly: Open and end your response with friendly comments”(Roy’s comment – bookend your message to support the tone you want. Also, note that how you feel about something can also be a “fact” yet be careful about how you frame it if you share it!) ![]() argument, opinion”(Roy’s comment – use neutral language. “Informative: Focus on concrete facts numbers, information vs. If it’s too long it will invite further response.) ![]() “Brief: often one paragraph is enough”(Roy’s comment – I’m a fan of a few very short paragraphs – some paragraphs only one sentence long conveying one idea. In a recent linkedin post, California family attorney Leila Parviz, shared her thinking about how to BIFF that may be helpful to further consider its use. It can be used at work, earning you respect and. I’ve previously posted about the BIFF method of addressing “hostile” communications (B-brief / I-informative / F-friendly / F-firm) developed by Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter from the High Conflict Institute in San Diego and here’s some additional guidance on its use. A BIFF response can be applied in any communication anywhere - on the Internet, in a letter or in person. In particular, how you deal with what feel like “hostile communications” particularly written ones (think emails). One way to conserve energy is how you address communications in the workplace. Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media. We’ve used up our buckets of resiliency and yet with the new year we will still need to draw on our strength. This method is described in depth in our little book BIFF: Quick Responses to High. Getting things done helps move people forward even in this uncertain time of covid. Often when I meet with a faculty or staff member at the ombuds office we develop “small” plans – things that can be done. With 2021 fast approaching, this can be a time to take stock and make plans.
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